Hallowed Ground

Dead

2011-05-22T22:43:00.002+08:00

This is one of the times where everything did not turn out as expected.

Certain issues that should not be prioritized became the center of my thoughts, and worst still they are not in my control. I'm losing my interest in studies, in my future; losing the drive that I once had.

I cannot find peace nor closure, with such matters hanging in the air. I could just forget it all and forget that there are others around, imagine that nobody cares. Yet what can I do? Happiness is a forbidden fruit, get a taste and you will always want more. As the years pass I begin to see the awkwardness of my situation, never being really accepted by those around.

I sought to change, and this change tore me apart. To others I'm a failure, going through all the pains and making empty promises. Ruined my own reputation I did, and making amends I cannot do so. Every amend I try to make will only be viewed as another mistake. Therefore I rot, I hide behind the walls I've constructed.

Back again. Back to the loneliness. Back to the dark abyss of depression. It was my own stupidity that led me to believe that I could be changed. Open my heart and share the pieces, and there's nothing left. Heartless, maybe I would like that idea.

I cannot see optimism everywhere, cannot understand the seemingly irrational bursts of laughter, cannot bring myself to smile for no reason.

I made the greatest mistake I could ever make. I hoped. And it made me blind, made me dumb, filled my head with illusions and fake promises.

These are not the words a future doctor should say, but I cannot find space for compassion. Maybe they would say I've lost it, or that I'm unable to cope with life. Then again, nobody deserves to judge anybody, and life has a different meaning for everybody.

So be it. Starting tomorrow the world is dead to me.

一切皆是空

2011-04-20T22:04:00.000+08:00

来时欢喜去时悲
欢乐哭泣却无缘
空在人间走一回
抛不下过去之影
摸不着未来之云
有缘再苦也是甜
无缘放爱在心中
不如不来也不去
无需规矩定方圆
钱财名利桃花运
身外之物多太多
看开一切皆是空
也无欢喜也无悲

Alcoholic Romance

2011-03-19T15:09:00.002+08:00

There she stood, a sight

as powerful as a straight shot

pure Russian vodka on the rock.

And as I passed

the scent of her hair, her elegance

alluringly sweet as wine's aftertaste.

Her laughter, clear as glass

yet not empty, not void

rich as freshly-brewed beer.

And I think I am inebriated

no longer by the drink

No longer sober

intoxicated by something else,

something else others might call it

Love?

Repentance

2010-12-12T22:11:00.002+08:00

The clouds, they shift

Changing, morphing

Oblivious to the backdrop

Of bright suns and hallowed moons

Schizophrenic patterns

Like the scabs of thousand wounds

Half-dried, with streams of pus

The septic stench, oozing fatality

The eyes see, but never comprehended

The ears hear, but never listened

Blinded and deafened

A lone shadow, always yearning for change

yet forever shackled to the feet

Look into the sky

Take in the changing colors and heat

Endure the rain, frost, and chilling winds

An eternity of torment well worth

A chance to seek repentance

Alas,

it never came with forgiveness.

And there came sleep

And sleep was all there was

To no end.

The Path to Ascension

2010-10-19T16:41:00.003+08:00

Every cut yields a scar

Every scar has two fates

Either polished by Time's grindstone

Or lost in the swamp of Death

Ascension

Be it the greatest Lie

Or the greatest Prophecy

We exist for Chaos

And to twist this path

Hidden Vertical Message

2010-09-18T00:08:00.002+08:00

Just another storm, another nUisance

Another tantrum Raged by the elements

Smile away, and push away Disappointment

Missing the ONE piece that completes my soul

Incomplete, seeking FORever

Never moving back, always Moving forward

Eternity is nothing but anothEr hour.

The Sleeper

2010-08-12T01:07:00.001+08:00

In a time long forgotten

like the memory of sleep

never a beginning

always inside

A cocoon, a web

A gentle caress, a warm hug

Such comfort, such reliance

Never willing to break free

Like a festering wound

Infested, pus-oozing

Pain, dulled, continuous

yet somewhat pacifying

He searched

for so long

Traversing the universe

Moving through dimensions

Piercing the veils of mysteries

Looking into every void

Falling into every abyss

And she

was no where to be found

Every name called out

answered with silence

Every trail of footprints

ended in oblivion

Disappeared

And for as long as a time forgotten

he searched

and he failed

and he could no longer hope

and he could no longer move

A broken will and a broken heart

he knelt and laid his head down

and slept

And he slept

for a time long forgotten

never waking

as the world around him shifted

as the cycle of days and nights continued

he lay

not in death

but in sleep

In sleep

the sleeper finds his hope

the sleeper gathers his wits

the sleeper patches his heart

the sleeper finds her

and all was good

and all was merry

she was found

and they were one

And the sleeper will never wake

For he is awake

in sleep

The Day the Sky Fell

2010-07-29T20:07:00.004+08:00

It was just like any day

Any ordinary day

The cycle from dawn to dusk

Never changing

Or so assumed

A flash of lightning

A crack of thunder

A torrent of downpour

Swollen and heavy

The tears of the forgotten

There in the sky

No longer blue

A creeping line of darkness

A slithering snake

A fissure amongst the clouds

Here I stood

Not thinking, not understanding

The lingering scent of your hair

The last moment of your stare

Now gone, all gone

No last words

No goodbyes

No good lucks

No more seeing you tomorrow

And the lightning flashed

Changing the world into black and white

And the thunder cracked

Silencing the silence

And the rain went on

In the cold and wet

There was no longer a sky

The Day the Sky Fell

2010-07-29T20:07:00.003+08:00

It was just like any day

Any ordinary day

The cycle from dawn to dusk

Never changing

Or so assumed

A flash of lightning

A crack of thunder

A torrent of downpour

Swollen and heavy

The tears of the forgotten

There in the sky

No longer blue

A creeping line of darkness

A slithering snake

A fissure amongst the clouds

Here I stood

Not thinking, not understanding

The lingering scent of your hair

The last moment of your stare

Now gone, all gone

No last words

No goodbyes

No good lucks

No more seeing you tomorrow

And the lightning flashed

Changing the world into black and white

And the thunder cracked

Silencing the silence

And the rain went on

In the cold and wet

There was no longer a sky

Breathless

2010-06-30T22:38:00.003+08:00

Lost in your timeless beauty

You took my breath away

So call an ambulance and start CPR on me before I die

Implosion

2010-06-26T02:12:00.002+08:00

Into the depths of darkened minds

what you will find what you seek what you desire so much

and yet fear it so much that your very soul (if present) shivers in anticipation

and to stare at it intensely until your eyes bleed from prolonged focusing

and fall to your knees in awe and depression

Yes, you will find what you seek

and more than that

within these blood-spattered walls

and gut-strewn corridors

Within me

Darkened Mind

2010-05-24T22:46:00.002+08:00

The rays of morning sun

A sign of good hopes, of life, of joy?

Nay

Don't you see the shadows it cast behind every single thing

A spawn of dread

A pool of malevolence

Stalking

Preying

Breathing ever so closely down their tender necks

Waiting

Just ever so patient

To suck out every ounce of morality and sanity

Look there,

See how the young man stops to help the elderly

Listen to the praises of those around

A hero he is for now

Never revealing the purse of money his deft hands stolen

Look here,

See how the kindly old man calms a crying little girl

Offering words of reassurance and aid to take her home

Rational you call yourselves

Can't you not see the perversion and lust hidden deep within

wrinkled eyes and freckled skin

Leaving behind a defiled young carcass days later

*Laughs*

I accept whole heartedly how you would categorize my thoughts

or perhaps maybe how you would classify my troubled persona

But hush

It's only a matter of time

Your shadow never fails to stalk you

Darkened is my mind

For I chose to stand with my shadows

*Laughs*

First Letter is the Title

2010-05-12T00:59:00.004+08:00

Come, into my dimension once again

Agony, the greatest luxury of all

Livid, the scars of charred memories

Insanity, the only form of freedom

Suffer, as all those who sinned shall do

This, is the end of your road

And rest now, child.

2010-04-28T00:29:00.002+08:00

People laughing and shouting and dancing and cheering

Laughter Music Songs Tunes Drama Comedy

Excessive happiness

A sign of insanity

Hopeless

Screams of the Timeless

2010-04-19T00:33:00.003+08:00

The Past

Dusty photographs

Sepia-toned

Resonance of lost echoes

Spiraling forward

But never arriving

The Present

Rainbow portraits

Water-colored

Cacophony of noises

Spinning and quaking

But never blurry

The Future

Plain darkness

Splash of black

Seductive whispers

Always near

But never visible

All above

Time as seen by those

who bound in Time they are

Forever a straight line

Moving forward and never backwards

Making mistakes and leaving regrets

Never repaired, never atoned

Such is the idiocy

Such is the ignorance

Such is the short-sightedness

Such is why you Time-bound

Never will hear our voices

that speaks of bloodlust and violence

The screams of the Timeless

Heart of Darkness

2010-04-13T01:36:00.002+08:00

So grey

The swollen raindrops fall

Half-dead they hang on

The brim of the hood

And giving up shattered on the ground

And a million reflections of the face under the hood

So quiet

The wind lay dead

As if in mourning

Or perhaps in self-mutilation

It slices off its own tongue

For it no longer has words to express its fear

So dark

The hole in the face

The face under the hood

There was no compassion in its eyes

For there were no eyes

For there was no face

Nothing else but a hole

A hole so dark

A glimpse of its heart of darkness

What is it?

You may wonder

I am it

You may question

It is me

You may shudder

Omen

2010-04-03T23:49:00.001+08:00

Verse 1:

First, there was a soul

And then two souls

And then there was understanding

And then there was friendship

And then there was reliance

And then there was dependence

And then there was love

And then there was disdain

And then there was tension

And then there was anger

And then there was hatred

And then there was poison

And then there was betrayal

And then there was destruction

And then there was nothing left.

Verse 2:

Nothing was a lie

Destruction was a lie

Betrayal was a lie

Poison was a lie

Hatred was a lie

Anger was a lie

Tension was a lie

Disdain was a lie

Love was a lie

Dependence was a lie

Reliance was a lie

Friendship was a lie

Cooperation was a lie

Two was a lie

Verse 3:

The truth lies only in one

And one was the only truth there was

And even that one never existed

Of Elegance and Death

2010-03-25T00:30:00.003+08:00

On and on and on

We tread with our feet

The sands of time blowing past us

The cycle of days and nights spin above

No path ahead, no trails to follow

No tracks behind, no prints left

Buried memories and snuffled screams

Scattered on the rotting yellow soil

Like petals from a dying flower

Elegance and death combined

A sickening irony

A masochistic dream

Flashes of crimson splashes

Echoes from the eternal past

They will hunt us forever

But they will never reach us

Me and you, we stand together

For survival and only for survival

We cling to this dying meat

Like maggots on pus-filled flesh

Like petals from a dying flower

Elegance and death combined

So smile, and split those dry lips long pursed

Happiness is made, not found nor given

Made from pain and suffering

The eternal dream of a masochist

A chuckle of delight

A piercing howl of insanity

Can you see my world now?

2010-03-21T02:30:00.002+08:00

It's funny whenever you think about the old times.

All the fun and jokes and people we used to cherish. All the tolerance and acceptance.

Take it all away, and face reality, and you will see that the past is nothing more than a fleeting dream.

People believe what they want to believe, your version my version his version her version; It's a whole load of bullshit flying around. Cut off the straps and chains, try to forget everything, try not to look back.

True, the eyes look forward to prevent us from looking back.

Also true, the brain sits behind the eyes to remind us of the past.

It's all bullshit. Lost friends, lost trust, someday everyone will have to stand on their own.

I'd rather it be now than later. I'm tired of redeeming myself over and over again for faults which have been accounted for and things that I've never done.

But in the end, memories can catch us all off guard.

Sins of a Empty Husk

2010-03-04T15:12:00.002+08:00

Walk along the volcanic rim

red heat hot fumes burning ashes

stones crumble

break off into the liquid flames

Hissed did the beast

Unwelcomed disturbance

High above fell did a star

Fading the trail of light

Failing hopes Broken dreams

Sky shatters rained did dark splinters of night

Freezing Merciless Cruel

Empty howl into darkness

Hollow echoes

Stuck between two Hells

The husk pays

Breaking Off

2010-02-24T16:26:00.002+08:00

For the 3 people that I've always trusted until today.

For the one who excels in badminton, go ahead, act just the way you have always been. I will see you getting cast down for your arrogance someday.

For the one who never lived outside her pampered hood, better open your eyes wider, the world is not only about you.

For the one who thinks himself exceptionally intelligent, go ahead, enjoy your time setting traps and playing both sides of chess and analyzing the truth with your twisted logic, someday you will fall just because you tried too hard to please everyone.

Never had it felt so good just to break away from these people. CS, ZH, CW, I have never lied and I have never wronged anyone of you. You are the ones owing me a bloody explanation but I am no longer interested in talk.

Just get out of my life.

2010-01-30T03:25:00.002+08:00

Misunderstanding gives way to anger;

Anger gives way to doubt;

Doubt gives way to disappointment;

Disappointment gives way to hatred;

Hatred gives way to suffering;

Suffering ends the story.

Nobody ever wins

Cold Steel

2010-01-23T01:41:00.002+08:00

No being is perfect

No war is without casualties

No regret is without consequence

A maelstrom subsides

Another brews

The bodies are dragged away

And new players come in

A drop of arsenic

mixed with a tear

A dose of morphine

mixed with blood

We go for our goals

We kill for our goals

We betray for our goals
And yet we share the same goal

We destroy each other

yet we complete each other

We burn, and we chill

We are made of cold steel

And we shall stand

while we fall

When Hatred Returns

2010-01-04T14:30:00.001+08:00

When hatred returns, it will burn away everything that have been built over the years.

It happened in 2009, almost a month ago. It is 2010 now, and I do not welcome the new year as much as it welcomes me. What started out as yet another trip for the club turned into a complete disaster. I do not wish to describe anything else.

Too much hopes, too blind I had been. I hoped that some would appreciate what I've sold my honor for; I hoped that some would not question; I hoped that some would not dig up the past. Those were blind hopes. I never thought that I would break from the pressure of trying to keep everything a secret. I had to admit it to somebody at least, a friend, treasured. What had it brought me instead? It brought nothing but the fact that I've betrayed not only one person, but the whole club into light.

The cost of the trip, some paid low, many paid high. And at the end of the day the only thing I can do is to accept all as the lowest payment. A huge price to be paid by myself, and larger still the damage it left behind. I managed to lose the trust of some, and to lose someone important; Most importantly, I've lost whatever is left of my honor.

In life, trust is the hardest to earn, and the easiest to shatter. I keep telling myself its just another 8 months and I'll be far away from all of these, but its useless. I've sold myself out. I can no longer face the club, and I can no longer look them in the eyes.

All the effort made, not only this time but over the years, I owe nothing to the club. It is time for me to leave. Hatred returns and it will consume me over time.

8 months to go, and it will all be over.

Irony

2009-12-24T21:47:00.002+08:00

Nature created the night;

Humans created the darkness.

Nature created the winter;

Humans created the cold.

Nature created the fire;

Humans created the rage.

Nature created the poison;

Humans created the toxic.

Nature created the human;

Humans created the emptiness.

Year 2009

2009-12-21T01:03:00.002+08:00

Its ending, and to recap this year, its nothing but regrets and sorrows.

January: Still seeking to escape 2008's curse

February: CNY brought me to know a special someone.

March-May: Smooth semester

June: Not to mention Airin's visit, my 21st bday, and also the best time of the year. How I long that we could still be as close as before.

July: FOA camp, joining iPro was a wise decision. I was happy.

August-October: The downfall begins while I still lived in the illusion.

November: Exams. Relations with her became bad. Tensions btw friends.

December: Where it all comes down; Illusions broke; I betrayed my closest friends; Nobody believes me now; Someone dear to me is disappointed with me; I made too many stupid decisions; Saying sorry doesn't make things better; I'm not in a position to try anything else; I am on trial and still waiting; I made a decision to stop treatment; I am unhappy; I am sad; I cannot face my friends anymore; I hope I can get punished but there is only silence.

God won't help me as I don't believe in him. Maybe the Devil will. I hope.

2009 was the true curse

2009-12-20T22:00:00.001+08:00

It's not the end of the road that matters but the journey

Reborn

2009-12-06T22:58:00.002+08:00

This dull gloomy day of December, I am reborn; Or rather, resurrected.

I've found my blood warm once again. Able to forgive, able to finally like another human being. The darkness which I called home for years, the shadows I struggled with, the piercing screams of memories, they have all faded, and into the dull grey air they vanished.

I used to think my heart was cold, and it did become cold. Yet, like a thawed piece of frozen meat it bleeds once more, it throbs once more, but the pain is a relief. I knew I have to let the dead stay dead, and rested.

Several times I thought I had walked out of the darkness into the grey, yet I had merely walked from midnight to dusk all over again. This time, I see the true dawn. I see the true spring after winter.

Will you be the first spring-flower to sprout?

Finale

2009-12-03T02:25:00.002+08:00

The tyrant's statue falls

A symbol of new hope

A promise of fresh starts

The liar's tongue withers

A symbol of true words

A promise of true intentions

The clouds have cleared

And the end of days arrive.

A new dawn?

Or yet another eternal night.

Case File: Injured Bird in NTU

2009-12-01T01:19:00.006+08:00

Day 1

Subject: Bird, species undefined. Presumed to be a wild sparrow.

Age : Fledgling, most feathers have been grown.

Found : NTU Campus, outside McDonalds.

Info : No adult bird-calls, no adult retrieval. Collected at approximately 7pm, 29th November 2009.

Characterization: State of panic/shock, food/water refusal for a few hours, followed by calm and compliance.

Food given: Oatmeal

Water source: Hall 8 water cooler

Entered sleep at 10pm.

Day 2

Active at 7.40am.

Food given: Oatmeal, cooked rice, red ants.

Water source: Hall 9 tap water

Characterization: Active throughout the day, will alert humans for food/drink. Meal times approximately one hour in between. Entered sleeping state at 8pm.

<----- Sleeping state

Info: Found lying sideways at 9.40pm. Eyes wide and breathing appeared rapid and shallow.

<----- 9.40pm

Left eye fluttering due to stuck piece of oatmeal, removed at 9.45pm.

Breathing ceased and eyes closed at 9.53pm. No heartbeat detected.

Originally planned to return corpse to location where it was first found, but corpse attracted a horde of red ants by 12.30am. Changes made to plan. Placed on a grassy slope outside room, makeshift grave made.

<------- Grave

Reason of death: unknown

Case closed.

Boiling Point

2009-11-25T19:47:00.002+08:00

I'm tired of being the nice guy

I'm tired of taking consideration of how others feel

I'm tired of always thinking for others and putting myself second

I'm tired of keeping the silence even though I know I must not

I'm tired of being taken for granted

I'm tired of being invisible

I'm tired of being in a corner when the glory is mine

I'm tired of trying to come up with subjects just for the sake of talking

I'm tired of all the obvious lies thrown into my face

I'm tired of being able to see through others

I'm not invisible

I'm not that much of a nice guy

I'm not here for others to use me

I'm not taking all the bullshit any longer

I have my pride

and I have my boiling point

If I was meant to be invisible

I would have died many years ago, and at least I would have done it by my own hand

I'm making myself known

I'm throwing away my honor and morality

If they will not appreciate me trying to be nice

Then they shall regret creating a monster

Crack

2009-11-09T17:18:00.003+08:00

It cracked

It ruptured

It tore

It fissured

It broke

It shattered

It disintegrated

It vaporized

It imploded

It disappeared

and it was lost

and lost

and found?

no, still lost

and lost

the same way you lost your mind.

The Beginning

2009-10-28T16:00:00.001+08:00

All whom wishes to proceed further
Sacrifices must be made
Laws must be broken
Rules must be bended
Life must be darkened
And know this,
with my death
life is just
the beginning

Silence

2009-10-21T02:03:00.002+08:00

Ah yes the silence of the night.

The raindrops have stopped falling about half an hour ago. And that almost gay roomie of mine is fast asleep. Here I am, sitting on my chair in this dark and silent room. This is the time to start writing, again.

To write it all out, that would be a total waste of time, and for letting it all out I would rather speak. But there isn't anyone who would listen. I do not wish for listeners too. It is all in my head. Some time ago, I might be receiving some irrational advises from whatever that was living inside my mind, but having betrayed myself, having turned my back to the voices, the silence is my only refuge.

Silence, it is good, like a double dosage of painkillers. I bleed, and I bleed within, there will be no screams, and there will be no cries, thus the silence is an abundance, but I welcome it none the less.

If there is but one wish I would like, may it rain once more, and may it wash away my humanity. For to be human, is to bleed, and to hurt, and to suffer.

No, I will not wait for the rain.

Nothing can be done, and so I will change. It will not be a change into another form. I would plainly revert to the creature that I once was.

And into the refuge of the silent night I will go.

I leave my humanity behind.

两个影子的呐喊

2009-10-07T01:27:00.002+08:00

很久以前有个黑影
觉得太寂寞了
把自己一分为二
两个影子不再孤独
世界当时还真美好
但是
黑影始终是黑影
黑暗始终会降临
当黑影融入黑暗
剩下来的
只有黑暗
孤独寂寞的黑暗
冰冷无情绝望自私的
黑暗
你能听到那双影子的
呐喊吗？
那无际的寂寞
就连自己的回声
也消失在里边

Strings

2009-10-01T22:51:00.002+08:00

In the beginning
There was a figurine
Where a lifeless heap
of cotton and leather
it lay, among the dust kittens
Without a heart
Without a soul

Then came a puppeteer
With strings she attached
And made the figurine move
And so it became a moving piece
Obeying every command
And doing whatever that pleases
the one behind the strings

One day she thought
a funny joke it will be
and so a paper heart she sewn
onto the chest of leather
And so the figurine had a heart
And so a soul was born within
Attached to his mistress it was

And so the days passed
and no matter how hard he tried
He would never get the focus of the puppeteer
Each time she would put him down
And in a corner he would lay
Strings attached but unable to move
Except the yearning of the heart

Finally,
One beautiful evening
she appeared before him
and hope filled his glassy eyes
and she picked him up
and held him close
and he was lost for the moment

And with a snip of the scissors
The strings came off
And so there it will lay
among the dust kittens
until the day another puppeteer comes along

Beneath Insanity

2009-09-17T20:12:00.002+08:00

Insane.

Such a powerful word, strong enough to trap a person within his own wall of twisted definitions, and to torment him within those walls with methods beyond the reach of morality. Screams and howls, muffled and distant, they resonate within the mind of the one deemed insane. A maelstrom beneath a sheet of white calmness.

Yet, such a gentle word. A smile on the face, a picture of serenity, an aura of confidence, a desire for immoral acts. All that makes a perfect person, or rather a perfectly insane person. The others will presume him to be 'good', to call him 'respectable'. Those definitions, shall only matter to them, and never to the insane ones.

A burst of anger, a rage of blood, a fury of madness, they unleash fear. And with fear some are exiled, some are taken as entertainment by the foolish world. Beneath insanity, can the world see their tears? The tears beneath the painted face of a clown.

And then the mask was removed, and you never once flinched at what you saw beneath the mask.

Have I ever been in your thoughts? Even for once?
That is the one thing I can never predict.
Hopefully, yes.

2009-09-06T23:58:00.002+08:00

Yeah I know, I get it, i understand, shot the fuck up.

I'm old-fashioned I refuse to change my 'fashion sense' I refuse to change my 'style' I refuse to change my 'train of thoughts' I get it shut the fuck up.

I'm not good-looking enough I'm not fit enough I'm not rich enough I'm not flexible enough I'm not understanding enough I'm not cosiderate enough for you I get it shut the fuck up.

Have you ever thought about this anyway: Does it even matter how I am to you? You are just a pest, the way a human matters to a cockroach.

So shut the fuck up, before I step on you.

A Dream of Armageddon

2009-08-27T00:23:00.002+08:00

I dream
I dream of myself
Dashing through the closing gates of Hell
Missing redemption by just a split second
Out, out
Out into the green grassy plains
Out into a place
A place I can find you
A place where you will be

I dream
I dream of you
So pure a bead of life
So pretty a human
Like the wings of an angel
Brilliant and radiant
Yet willing to approach this being
This creature I call myself
And willing to understand, and listen
You
An angel

I dream
I dream of armageddon
With a darkness growing
With a clock ticking
With a fear creeping up
It has consumed me once
Will it consume me again?
I smile with that thought

There is a written path for everyone
Except me
I write my own stories
I make my own path

Before armageddon
I only want you
Right by my side

你

2009-08-25T10:25:00.001+08:00

你从天而将的你
落在我的阴影中
如玉的模样清水般的目光
一丝浅笑让我心发慌
你什么都不说的你
张开你一双翅膀
谁领着方向方向在前方
一声叹息将我一生变冷
你在那万人中央
感受那万丈荣光
看不见你的眼睛
是否会藏着认同
我没有那种力量
想忘也终不能忘
只等到漆黑夜晚
梦一回那心爱的姑娘

A Letter To _______

2009-08-24T00:35:00.004+08:00

Dear _____,

I am not someone you meet everyday, and I am not anywhere near you right now. We know each other, which makes sense else I won't be writing this at all. I know you are safe and sound, and I know you are going on with your life, just as I am. Therefore I will not waste my time asking those casual and pointless questions as most senders do.

Are you always surrounded by your friends? Being the center of attraction and being pampered by all? Perhaps you are, and perhaps you are not. Perhaps you are lonely, always feeling left out and forgotten, misunderstood by all. Perhaps you are neither, just like me, not seeking to be understood, but seeking to understand.

These are strange times we live in, don't you see? Gone are the days where the poor hardworking farmer reaps his own crops and becomes a kind millionaire in the end. Gone are the days where the faithful king waits for his queen to wake from her coma everyday. Gone are the days where the person who puts out the greatest effort gets the respect deserved. These days it's all about reputation and appearances, politics and people relationships, networking and socializing.

I am nobody. I maybe just a passerby in your life, or maybe just a friend, or maybe someone important to you; I do not score much in appearances and wealth; I do not score much in academic or sports; I do not have a past sparkling with glamour and pride; I am merely someone who has put effort, and will continue putting more efforts. Perhaps it will all be meaningless in the end, perhaps it will reward me in the end, yet nobody tells the future and fate is always changeable.

Whoever I was, whatever I had ever done, they stay behind me now, for that is the past. Whoever I will be, whatever I will do, they are ahead of me, for that is the future. Forget everything above, surfacing above this heap of words. Yes, you are likely to tell me that I am thinking too much. And yes, a few shots of vodka should set me straight.

I think I've fallen for you. I like you, which sounds so childish; I love you, which sounds so formal;

I want to be with you, to be able to look into your eyes and hold your hands at the same time, and find myself lost within you.

I am insane.

Regards,
Ardy

Fear That Gives Men Wings

2009-08-14T18:27:00.002+08:00

What is that shape?
Lingering beyond the edges of your vision
You stare, but you cannot see
You hear, but you cannot listen
As you feel your skin crawl
And every breath you take freezes
Your lungs, filled with frost
Your blood, you feel their course
running through each and every vein
Chilled, not warm
Your heart screams under the pressure
Trying not to fail
Your feet shuffles without orders
And one last glance you throw at me
There you go, jumping over the edge
into an abyss unknown
I know
Its fear
fear that gives men wings

2009-07-27T15:34:00.002+08:00

Often it takes a hard-fought battle to uncover whatever truth lies beneath.

Be it absurd, nonsensical, sorrowful, happy, pointless or anything, the truth will never change.

Live with it, and it will change us.

And so I will change, not for the better nor for the worse, not for fear of retibution.

For guilt I will.

Cancer

2009-07-14T01:43:00.003+08:00

The digital clock shows 1:43 am now, a time that not many will consider early nor late. I've run out of distractions and chores to keep my mind occupied, and even after multiple doses of Panadol the pain in my head never seemed to stop.

A cracked mind, divided into two. A separated thought, split into two personalities. Its been such a long war between both of them and the mind has grown tired and scarce on its resources. Which one am I right now? I wonder myself. All this time I've thought myself as the righteous one, despising the other side as nothing but a manifestation of hatred and arrogance. Therapies and doctors can only do so much, and in the end offer me a shortcut to everything. The removal of one side.

I am incomplete now, my memory fragmented, the pieces lost along with whomever I once held dear. Who shall live who shall die, I cannot make such a decision. To shy away from the battlecries of myself, to be a coward to face myself, I cannot do so. Allowing external aid and erasing this part of my personality, it seems like a fair deal, forgetting the past and moving on. The exact same thing offered to all cancer patients, slicing away the tumor.

Tumors, a clump of flesh, visible. Personality, remove it and it will be gone just like it had never existed. What would become of me? What will remain and what will be gone? Will I treat others the same again? More importantly, would others treat me as they did? A part of me will die, and I will still be incomplete.

Nobody's perfect, yeah, perhaps that is the reason I nursed the dying embers of war back to a mighty inferno. I thought I was the dominant, but ever since therapies calmed the other one down, he had slowly began to evolve, to keep all his expliding hatred and concentrate them into one huge mass of anger, speaking to me, mocking me, provoking me, weakening me, eating me from the inside.

A nasty whack to the head a few days ago gave me a horrible headache, and it hasn't receded ever since. He's counting on this, taking away my control everytime I submit to the throbbing pain or welcoming sleep. His voce resonates throughout the dark hallways of my mind.

I'm the righteous one, I'm the dominant, well these words do seem now like ramblings. There are no right nor wrong, there are no boundaries, there are no rules, there are no discipline. There is nothing left here. I will kill him, and he is me, and I will consume him, eat myself, feed on my own flesh, drink my own blood, bring the pieces back. Easier said than done.

The pain, the exhaustion. The flashes of lights and the scattered images. The distorted vision and the throbbing.

Laugh at me, call me a lousy storyteller. Call me a liar, a lunatic, a dreamer. If I am a storyteller so will everyone else be one, as we all have our stories to tell. If I am a liar then prove me wrong, if none can do so then accept it. If I am a lunatic my thoughts would no longer be so crystal clear. If I am a dreamer I will not be dreaming of a nightmare.

21 years I've lived this life. I'm lucky in many ways. There are others far worse than me, far unlucky than me. Yeah you can say that I'm wallowing in self-pity, but why would you compare my misfortune to others? Why can't I express what I desire to and NOT be judged by you?

All of you, every fucking one of you. You have no right to judge me, not only me, you have no right to judge anyone. You are all raised in wealth, in luck, in happiness, so am I, on a lower level. So who the hell gave you all the right to judge? I'll judge you all now, you can all rot in hell, or come to me and have your beating heaert ripped out bt me.

Oh yes, the anger is back, the flames shall burn again. One will stand. Who am I? It doesn't matter anymore. When the dust settles everything will be clear, forever.

All Is Right In Nether

2009-07-02T18:20:00.001+08:00

It's a major decision
I know
You'd better be prepared
Indeed
How did we end up like this
Ask yourself
We were one
We are no longer
What can you do without me
Something you can never achieve, that is compassion
Compassion will kill us both
Me. Kill me. As I will be the only one left
You can't do that. You are incapable.
Maybe, but all is right in nether.
I'll see you in Hell
Likewise.

You Are Empty

2009-06-22T22:28:00.003+08:00

Empty,
That is what you are
A hollow cavern
Dark and barren
Only accompanied by the howl
of a lone wolf

Empty,
That is what you are
A burnt-out core
Cold and black
Only accompanied by the silence
of a joy long forgotten

Empty,
That is what you are
A dying heart
Bleeding and twitching
Only accompanied by the sighs
of its owner's last breath

Empty,
That is what you are
Hiding within dimensions
Cowering behind the shadows
Building a throne of lies

Empty,
That is your soul.

Post Mortem

2009-06-02T01:21:00.002+08:00

Lights up
Scalpel ready
Get ready ladies and gentlemen
The show is about to begin
As I gracefully run the blade
along the pale clammy skin
Moisture is now a memory
Like lonely trails in the desert
Expanding into a crease
So beautiful, the skin folds back
Tenderly, pull them apart
reveal those raw pretty flesh
Flirtatious, suggestive
Just like a striptease dancer
Hand over the pen and paper
Hand over the bonesaws and clippers
Dine on it
the way a cultured man dines on his steak
Feast your eyes on it
The true beauty of the human body
Beneath the skin
Beneath the flesh
The dark, the red
The dried, the rigid
Rigor mortis
Like a sculpture
frozen in place
Artistic beauty
Remove the surface
Remove the superficial layer of humanity's mask
Deep down
We are all the same
You and me
I'll be seeing you soon.

慕尤丁：獨中不符政策無法資助‧暫不承認統考文憑

2009-05-28T15:21:00.001+08:00

（布城）副首相兼教育部長丹斯里慕尤丁表明，政府在現階段不會承認獨中統考文憑，以及撥款資助獨中。

不過，他表示，政府原則上同意豁免獨中和其他私立學校的政府和大馬教育文憑考試費，以協助減輕負擔。

慕尤丁今日（週二，5 月26日）在會見7個華團的領袖，商討懸而未決的華教及英語教數理課題後指出，獨中並不符合政府的教育政策；如果獨中不能夠符合教育部的規範，包括課程網要和教學方式，政府就不能承認和接受獨中統考文憑。

他也說，如果獨中還是堅持要獨立自主，政府就無法提供財務上的資助。

“只要獨中一日不符合政府的政策，或還要獨立，政府就無法承認統考文憑。”

他也指出，政府已批准搬遷14所及增建6所新的華小，目前需要華團協助尋找校地。

他說，政府在經濟振興配套下，已經撥款重建和增建華小，只是華社和華團須承擔部份責任，協助尋找校地，否則空有撥款也無用武之地。

針對英語教數理課題，他表示，他將關注7個華團廢除英授數理的立場和意見，但是目前仍抱持開放的態度來聆聽各界的意見，以作出定奪。

他表示認同7大華團領袖有關強化英語的看法，因為在今日的世界，除了掌握母語和國語之外，更應該提昇英語的掌握能力；但是，學習的方式仍需要深入研究後才能落實。

針對師資不足的問題，他要求華團提供相關名單，以便教育部可以解決問題。

他關注華小師資出現3000個空缺的問題，那些已面試的教師將會被錄取，以解決部份的問題。

針對統一華小董事部章程課題，他說，此事已晉入尾聲，副教長拿督魏家祥將會公佈。

他形容週二的會面坦誠、融洽，雙方商討了國家教育的多個課題。

FUCKING SARCASTIC!

Signs that You Are Becoming A MAD Lab Freak

2009-05-20T21:39:00.002+08:00

1. You develop emotional bonds with your pipettes.

2. You start naming each plate of bacteria.

3. Somehow the sound of whirring centrifuges lulls you to sleep.

4. You feel hungry when you see bacterial broth.

5. You start using ethanol as perfume.

6. You can do nothing for 16 hours just waiting to continue on with your protocol.

7. Your thumb moves up and down against your will.

8. The warmth of the incubator makes you feel at home.

9. You seem to see latex more than you see your own skin.

10. You start naming each bacteria.

一生只有你

2009-05-20T19:20:00.001+08:00

我愿意因为你变成最金那粒星
我的心因为你才有温暖ㄟ冬天
你的情为着我甘愿吃苦不受甜
你一生我一生回头总是那么美
你一张我一张退色的相片

一生只有你会原谅我的脾气
一生只有你会体贴我的悲伤
为什么
为什么
等到喘最后一口气

一句我爱你
才甘愿说出嘴
为什么
为什么
无法让我的命换你
地狱天堂我先去

Words of Wisdom/Dumbness

2009-05-13T00:36:00.000+08:00

@我就像一隻趴在玻璃上的蒼蠅，前途一片光明，但是出路沒有。

＠ 錢不是問題，問題是我沒有錢。

＠ 一山不能容二虎，除非一公和一母。

＠ 寧願相信世間有鬼，也不能相信男人的那張嘴！

＠ 對流血一週仍然不死的動物千萬不能大意…　

＠ 男人的謊言可以騙女人一夜，女人的謊言可以騙男人一生！

＠ 女人無所謂正派，正派是因為受到的引誘不夠；

＠ 男人無所謂忠誠，忠誠是因為背叛的籌碼太低…

＠ 我和超人的唯一區別是：我把內褲穿在褲子裡面。

＠ 我身在江湖，江湖卻沒有關於我的傳說…

＠ 水至清則無魚，人至賤則無敵。

＠ 喝醉了我誰也不服，我只要扶牆。

＠ 避孕的效果：不成功，便成人。

＠ 問世間情為何物？一物剋一物。

＠ 生，容易。活，容易。生活不容易。

＠ 一個人並不孤單，想一個人時才孤單。　

＠ 我不是隨便的人，但隨便起來就不是人。

＠ 騎白馬的不一定是王子，可能是唐僧；

＠ 帶翅膀的不一定是天使，也可能是'鳥人'。

＠ 流氓不可怕，就怕流氓有文化。

＠ 水能載舟，亦能煮粥！

＠ 聰明的女人對付男人，而笨女人對付女人。

Life (Death) After Exams

2009-05-10T16:37:00.002+08:00

It would seem a little late for me to be posting about this topic. Almost 3 weeks late for this update is bound to make this blog famous for being updated the slowest.

Yeah you'd all probably know from the MSN PM's, spaces, blogs or even high-pitched exclamations of our mutual friends that the NTU gang had finished their exams. And so followed the cataclysm of post-examination madness which consists primarily of going for supper, talking nonsense all night long with people full of nonsense, watching movies 'till your computer screams for mercy, gaming, gaming, and nothing but gaming.

Ahh, the bliss, of life after examinations.

Or rather the death after examinations.

Night falls and you don't feel the least bit tired until the few hours before dawn. You open you eyes and neet the midday sun but decides not to wake. Why? Because there is absolutly nothing to look forward to. It is just another 24 hours without any objectives, nothing to accomplish. Maybe a book, or maybe a nice long run around the campus, but after that, there's nothing. You're constantly trying to fill your days with activities that have no meaning at all.

Enough said.

Fortunately, I have a lab attachment to keep me busy.

LOL. (pointless laugh)

Curtains Down

2009-04-29T22:05:00.002+08:00

With the failing of the light
With the dampening of the air
With the casting of darker shadows
The curtains go up
and the show begins

So graceful a dance
So touching a song
So mesmerizing the beauty
of the actors
The music crescendoes
Their spirits soar
The audience freeze in their seats
as if the softest whisper might break the spell
The spell of an eternity

The storm approaches
A wind shears through
the throats of the singers
and their blood paints the stage a burning crimson
the dancers fall
as the stage lights do
Darkness closes in
The actors act no longer
their masks replaced by true fear
The sopranos scream
The tenors cry
their agonies create a whole new harmony
The audience feels the lust for blood
Ripping and tearing they feed their need

Curtains down
the show ends
and its back to the flesh-rendering reality

Blurred Definitions

2009-04-19T23:37:00.002+08:00

Life. The four-letter word that troubles every soul. The four-letter word muttered at least once by every being capable of speaking throughout their miserable lifetime.

Life. So crucial, yet so frustrating. So important, yet so devastating. Ups and downs, fairness and corruption, good and evil. Does it all matter in the end?

Since young we were brought up to believe that the world is full of 'good' people with 'good' intentions. Remember the textbook drawings of a little kid asking a policeman for directions? Or perhaps a young man guiding an old woman across the road?

Fiddlesticks. The policeman will probably kidnap that kid and hold him ransom for a mere few thousand dollars. Perhaps even tag him with 'Goods not guaranteed' and chop him up to little pieces of flesh after receiving the cash. (Hey flesh rhymes with cash). And these young tender flesh will somehow end up in some Indian guys curry pot and inevitably end up in some guys intestinal tract. Sorrow and sadness from the parents but what do the rest of us do? Read about it in the newspaper and (maybe) put a hand to our foreheads and sigh. Some idiotic nutjobs might call that 'COOL!'. They won't be saying that much longer when the same psychotic policeman shows up at their door and blasts them in the face.

Or let's say the kid was a little girl. Psycho Policeman might have a change of heart and perhaps give her directions instead. Not the directions she wanted but directions HE wanted. (Most probably some public toilet or behind some bushes). And? [FILL IN THE BLANKS]. And then we will all read about this in the newspaper and (maybe) put a hand to our foreheads and sigh. Some idiotic nutjobs might call that 'COOL!'.

Yes, wail and wallow in the fact that our civilization has come to such despicable states.

Are we still to believe in our 'good' society?

Chat logs from 2 NTU (nearing-insanity) students

2009-04-13T01:20:00.002+08:00

I say:
i was in sbs since 1pm

I say:
now im still in sbs

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
WOAH

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
i woke up only at 4pm

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
missed training

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
then watched teebee will 12am

I say:
teebee?

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
tv

I say:
act cute..

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
wah lao

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
this is the way i sae TEEBEE cannot ar

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
bu shuang ar

I say:
YALA

I say:
CANNOT AR

I say:
wanna fight?

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
YOU STUDY TILL MAD ALREADY AR!

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
WANT FIGHT FIGHT LAR!

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
COME LAR

I say:
I'LL RIP YOUR OESOPHAGUS OUT!!

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
WHAT THE HELL IS TT!!

I say:
throat

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
I RIP YOUR HEAD OFF ENUFF TO KILL YOU LE!

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
orh... throat say throat lar...

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
so long the spelling

I say:
YOU'LL SUFFER LONGER

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
YOU"LL DEFINATELY DIE!!!

I say:
you'll definitely die too

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
I"LL DIG OUT YOUR BRAIN AND RIP THE NERVES OFF ONE BY ONE!

I say:
u cant rip the nerves la

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
really

I say:
they are microscopic

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
ai ya

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
I USE MY SWORD AND POKE YOU!

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
i find it better to say things that I can understand better

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
post this on your blog together with david widjaja's death article

I say:
lol

Everytime I try I just get more and more discouraged. You make me want to turn deaf and mute in front of you. says:
maybe ther e will be no more exams in NTU

SICK

2009-04-03T21:27:00.002+08:00

Is this the path that I am destined to take?
The path that cannot be altered no matter how hard I try?
If it is
What's the damn meaning of living on?
I'm sick of this life
Sick of this damn monotony
Sick of hearing the same criticism over and over again
Sick of listening to the lies poured into my ears by those around me
Yes, I admit
I am not an approachable person
But if all of you have an issue with me
Face me, tell it straight in my face
Don't hide in the shadows
I'm sick of being judged by people who don't know me
I'm sick of how nobody takes me seriously save a few
I'm sick of being told 'stop acting' when I'm not
I'm sick of being the one who invites all the time
and never being invited once
I'm sick of being the one rejected all the time
and never to be accepted as who I am
I'm sick of all you people around me
who would fake a smile and tell me nothing's wrong
when everything is wrong
I'm sick of this life
I'm sick of having to do the 'right' thing in order to please the world
I'm sick of forcing myself to be happy
when my soul is ripped apart
I'm sick of lying to myself
and pacifying myself that the future will be better
I'm sick of letting these all out
to nobody but this lifeless page on the monitor
I'm sick of thinking how everyone I care for are so far away
and nobody gives a damn about me here
Fuck it, I don't need to be recognized by you all
I don't need to be ACCEPTED by the hive mind
Someday all of you might regret
Or might not
Someday
When my life has passed me by
I will be sure that every ounce of vengeance is repaid.

Let it Rain

2009-04-01T16:18:00.002+08:00

Here I am
Halfway through the last pilgrimage
And lost once more
I cannot live up to what others want me to be
I cannot change who I used to be
and who i am now
I am one who will destroy everything
be it mine or others
I am the bearer of nightmares
a jinx, a complete failure in the eye of the world
I yearn not for salvation
I am just a beggar
scavenging for even a piece of your heart
Yet
Every crack of thunder
Every gust of wind
Every swelling of the dark clouds
They herald the coming of the rain
Resonating with its arrival
The pain only I can feel
The depression only I can see
The hopeless void beyond me
The lost of sanity from my mind
The fall of rationality from my actions
The words that I cannot cough up
Let it rain
and rain for good
Wash it all away
my memories of you
my yearning for something
that will never come true
Let it rain
and kill this burning agony
Let it rain
and bring me pain
Greater pain, true pain
Pain which I can rub it off
rather than the thousand blades
ripping my soul within
Let it rain
and let me forget
in the torrent of water.

Sometimes

2009-03-30T21:58:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder
if there's a greater truth
residing beyond the mask of this world

Sometimes i wonder
if there's ever a reason
for every inexplicable emotion

Sometimes I wonder
if there's ever a measurement
to calculate humans

Sometimes I wonder
if there's a better way
rather than to live and experience life without knowing the next step

Sometimes I wonder
if there's a life after death
for those who went never returned to tell

Sometimes I wonder
if this unquenchable flame of jealousy
will eventually consume me

Sometimes I wonder
if this storm of rage
will be the one storm to end myself

Sometimes I wonder
if there's a greater pain
than to be in love

And every night I wonder
If I will ever
get you to be mine.

Then and Now

2009-03-27T19:04:00.003+08:00

I've been looking through the age old posts of sec-school classmates' blogs through the night, and given the fact that I had ACCIDENTALLY got a haircut which made me look exactly the same as that WEIRDNESS I was back in those days...

Enough prelude. Yea yea I know how the past is the past and we must move on while cherishing those memories and so on. I would be writing extensively on that should I be in the mood for EMO-ing. Well? Guess what? I'm not. I'm in the mood to CRITICIZE.

Talking about the past, and about moving on, they don't really matter anymore. People change, for no reason. One moment they were 'a league' trying to survive in this new, alien country, and one moment later, everyone's so far apart from each other. The same face that you've seen everyday for the past 6-7 years suddenly stopped giving you the look of recognition, replaced by a cold stare.

Rationally, you would pursue the reason behind the change of attitude. But after a while, you should just accept it. As some time in the course of all these things things just changed. There's no why to this fact, it is merely a statement. As bland a statement as 'the sun rises every morning'.

Sometimes you might get news about a former classmate but its source would be from other parties. Sometimes you won't even hear from them anymore. And no matter how hard (or not) they try to convince you that you are still in contact you can see with your own eyes that the relationship is already stretched too thin.

No sooner, everyone gets tired of patching up, of holding on. And then the bond dissipates.

Ten years from now, the cycle repeats again. Same theory, different circle of people.

And just imagine our naivety when we were so damn excited about having an annual gathering.

So much for 'class brotherhood'.

So much for friendship.

Ultimately, every man (and woman) is an island.

Random

2009-03-24T00:24:00.011+08:00

An edited parody of some famous Hong Kong triad movies. Starring myself and Breast.

Lingjie playing with Chengliang's weapon. Itchy hands... But she scared Chengliang all right.

Min while visiting Lingjie's lab in NUS. Making this photo a flyer cover is not a bad idea at all.

Qiyun doing her famous stunt during MSA CNY Reunion Dinner.

The last 'partial' class photo taken back in 2008.
Top (left to right): Huiyee, Lilian, Leysze, KLCC, Bluebird, Captain, Binsheng, Sentian.
Mid (left to right): Xinni, Yenting, Hweiyen, Helmet X, Soon Sean.
Bottom 3: Myself, GOLD, Shengran.

Night of the Walking Dead. Group photo, with a few backstage casts in between.
Top (left to right): Yongzai, Yichuan, Mok, CS, Breast, Hanchi, Ivan, Gary(blocked)
Bottom (left to right): Tammy (in sheet), Li Lynn, Jac, Qiyun, Benjamin, Myself.

Year 2 Sem 1 after-finals Sakae meal.
Zixin, Suwen, Yanying, Yen Suan.

Ivan owing me some money. (Imaginary case)

Disgusted

2009-03-17T01:11:00.003+08:00

Somewhere along the road something went wrong. Something that I didn't know, and something that had nothing to do with me. Somebody whom I had once thought highly of apparently just used up the remaining respect I had for her.

Come now, you have a problem? Say it in my face, then we will have some room for parley. If not then stop acting like a child and be out with it. Stop giving me cold shoulders and insincere actions.

Damn it. I could just forget all this and just break off this relationship.

At least I still treasure it. And that makes me a fucking FOOL.

Fading

2009-03-12T18:08:00.002+08:00

Day by day
Moving ahead
Leaving trails
Betraying shadows
Escaping time
Making memories
Writing stories
Creating legends
And yet
Fading
What we were before
Fading

Eviction Notice

2009-03-07T22:06:00.004+08:00

Well well well... I'm finally back here with some updates.

Due to the fact that our beloved institute of higher education NTU (which stands for Nanyang Technological University, or No Time for U, whichever suits you best) hit the pages of almost every newspaper HARD this few days, we students from NTU are given 'that look' by the public.

Right, so everyone's talking about the two suicide cases. This is my campus and I do not wish to speak ill of it, but somewhere out there, the truth remains buried somehow. Maybe someday the forensics class might be able to use this as their FYP title. FYP, meaning Final Year Project, or Find Your Partner, or Finish Your Professor... whichever makes you happy.

Right when we thought things couldn't get any worse, we, the students of NTU received an EVICTION NOTICE! That's a bloody nice way of saying 'GET OUT'. They are kicking us out of our holes because they need to RENOVATE the hostels, which looks totally NEW to me, just for some Whatever-thing event that is coming up during this coming holidays.

This, is a complete act of irresponsibility. Where are we supposed to stay? Of course we MIGHT be able to stay should we take the special term. By doing so, you PAY 700$ and they MAYBE give you somewhere to stay. Speculate this, if I have limited options and incentives to lug all my stuff back home (which is 7 hours away not including the Malaysian traffic syndromes), and out of options I decided to take the special term in order to get a place to stay. WHAT IF I STILL DON'T GET A ROOM? Its either live as a squatter for the months to come OR camp on top of ADM.

Hell, now I know hos does the roaches feel when you spray insecticide into their homes.

The Last Pilgrimage

2009-03-02T00:18:00.002+08:00

I came here long ago
During a rainy twilight
Bringing in the cold wind
And all that was rotten

I've made my lair
With strands of broken hope
Pieces of fragmented memories
Shrapnels of despair

Through mountains of sorrow
Through oceans of pain
Through caverns of lonesome
Through labyrinthine discrimination

For years I've stood against it all
For years I've went against all odds
And now before me there is nothing left
Now I see my journey's end

The Darkness lies behind me now
It has been my refuge
And now I seek my own path
Into a new estranged world

As I quench the last of my hatred
As I swallow the last of my pride
As I discard the last of my memories
I begin my last journey as the Nightmare-Bearer

Rainbow

2009-02-26T02:17:00.002+08:00

The optimist screams and yowls as if he'd just witnessed miracles.

The pessimist shakes his head and wishes that the rain won't stop.

The cynic sneers and says nothing. (Ya can google a rainbow anytime, son.)

The sadist is reminded of the curvature of a nice, sharp, gleaming scythe.

A Glimpse of the Past

2009-02-24T19:43:00.002+08:00

Amist the huslt of preparing for my upcoming exam I stumbled upon CHKL's website. Amongst lost and inorganized data I found this picture uploaded in the 'Alumni' section.

Class 6S1 of year 2006.

It has been 2.5 years since I graduated from CHKL. 2.5 years, too short to forget, yet long enough for so many things to happen.

The last time we ever went to Pangkor Island as a class, and heck it hurt to be sunburnt.

The last time we went to Genting Highlands.

Then, there was nothing else. perhaps a gathering or two every year.

Yet, things change, hell, PEOPLE change.

I do not have the heart (hell i don't have one anyway) and time to comment on others so I'd just be refering to myself. Time has driven me apart from people who was close to me. The twins, Xinni, LJ and the gang. Time has changed my perception of some people. Time has made me did some stupid things brought me great regret. I only hope Huiyee will understand.

6S1. The dream of 6S1 is over.

It is where we came from, and it doesn't matter anymore.

It is where we are going to now that matters.

Valentine's Day of an Average Bachelor

2009-02-15T19:35:00.002+08:00

The familiar vibration of my Nokia 3110 woke me long before the music came. Mumbled, got up, took a peek at the time, 5.30 a.m.. Just the perfect time to wake. I grabbed the new shirt(Baleno shirt, cheap and nice) that I had bought a few days earlier and went through the usual morning rigmarole.

As I stepped out into the dim light, I could not bring myself to appreciate the phrase 'Love is in the air' as the only smell that lingered in the air was the stench of smoke. SMOKE was in the air. Perhaps the Australian forest fire sent its Valentine's regards or it was again time for the Annual Indonesian Forest BBQ. Whichever the reason, it still SUCKS to breathe in smoky air. Kinda wonder how smokers will feel about this situation. Free smoke for their smoke-craving. Perhaps I could even persuade Qi Yun to sell packets of 'Smoky Air' to replace the banned cigarettes in Singapore. Might be worth a few bucks afterall.

The bus to Thong Chai Medical Institute left around 7.15 a.m.. It is an amazing institute in my eyes, 5 floors totally dedicated to TCM (thats traditional Chinese medicine for you bananas out there). I was arranged to be grouped with Beverly and Xiang Ling (2 pretty girls) and transferred to the Normal Patient Department. It was a great experience as our doctor in charge was very helpful and allowed us to try out many hands-on procedures with the patients.

If there was one thing I noticed, it was that most of the patients were old and not really well-to-do, and most of the time when they are consulting the doctor, they tend to rattle on and on about their daily lives and stuff that will mostly be heard in the marlets. These patients are your average grandparents and middle-aged adults, they are sick, and most of the time lonely and lacking in cash. Through their stories I saw their world that is full of worries and despair, fear and insecurities.

That gave me a reason to believe in what I am studying, and to work my way towards my goal, which ultimately is to relieve these people, these patients of their agonies...

WAIT ONE FREAKING SECOND!

I think I'm under a whole lot of pressure right now... Even I feel sick to know that I could think of something like that. My friends would be shocked to suddenly find me, who ABSOLUTELY loves SADISM, typing stuff like this.

Crap, I must be sick. I'll end it right here.

2009-02-11T17:53:00.002+08:00

你说你不介意
你说是应该的
因为友情
我的罪过
越来越大
你要我如何在面对你？

The Voice of Insanity

2009-02-02T17:01:00.002+08:00

Once again we meet
Darkness, my long lost friend.
Dreadful am I
yet grateful I am
This sanctuary of mine
Refuge from the light
Protection from the sun
Where madness prevails
Where every twist and turn of sanity
Fractures and dislocations
Corruption and rot
Tear and rip
the fabric of reality falls
the government of morality overthrown
the voice of insanity
the one only voice that reigns and commands
The one and only voice
My voice.
My words.
My law.
My world.
My insanity.

选择

2009-01-24T02:26:00.001+08:00

无形中
我们已经做出了
最好的选择
选择去淡忘一切
选择去无视所有
选择在这人生路
擦肩而过

2009-01-22T13:59:00.002+08:00

Look now
Look at where we are
Would you remember
where we were
when we first met?

Delicately
Like the strings of fate
Like the twist of destiny
Would you remember
the voices that had spoken
the laughter that once rung out
so long ago?

Listen now
Listen to the whispering wind
Would you remember
how the wind blew
the sands of time
as they ran through our very souls?

Time passes
Whatever that was is now whatever that is
We went our own ways
We chose our own paths
And we can never return

Someday when the light fades
Somenight when the dawn comes
As darkness and light becomes one
As the wind no longer blows
As the laughter of this world dies

We will return
to the very beginning.

Of Leaders and Followers, or Rogues

2009-01-19T00:07:00.003+08:00

Finally time has allowed me to post a complete textual post ever since year 2009 began.

In the blink of an eye, I've been in this foreign land for one and a half years. Numerous changes, be it personally or environmentally, constantly pushes one to take on the role of a leader or a follower. And over these years I've seen friends become strangers, strangers become enemies, enemies become friends and even lovers become hateful vendettas.

Power, people crave for it, dream of it, and even betray their principles for it.

With power, the risk of losing friends are greater. Without power, you cannot protect anything.

A leader has power. Use it wisely and he will be respected. Misuse and there will be no value in him to survive.

A follower has no power. Follow wisely and someday he will surpass the leader. Follow obstinately and he will fade into the nothingness of time.

A rogue has and has no power. His sole aim is to survive. Dream big and act intelligently, and he shall persevere. Do the opposite and he will be nothing more than a piece of used charcoal.

Among the three, which are you?

2009-01-14T01:25:00.000+08:00

Can things really be the way as they were?
I seriously doubt it.
The problem lies within myself.
I'm a fool.

2009

2008-12-31T16:59:00.000+08:00

Welcome the year 2009

The Year of Emptiness

No Happy Endings

2008-12-30T01:05:00.002+08:00

All the hard work for such grades
All my patience and determination for rejection
All my cleaning and running for a greater mess
All that I ever worked for in 2008
They fell like the pieces of shattered glass
Just as the final grains of sands fall
And once again I shall welcome agony and pain
Like an insufferable noble that must be invited
There are no happy endings
'Where are your happy thoughts?'
Its time for the million-dollar question again

2008-12-27T23:23:00.001+08:00

要拿得起放得下
我就是放不下
愚蠢
无聊
到最后我还是逃避不了
得硬起心肠而说
‘没什么，你自己保重’
这一类的谎话
人生如戏戏如人生
我只希望自己是导演

2008-12-26T21:41:00.002+08:00

一时的冲动
一时的错觉
一时迷失方向
一时说错了
一时无法自拔
虽说我们选择无视
虽然你说没什么
我知道
一些事情是无法再次还原的
你就保重吧
我只能遥望
因为我是个粗旷的人
我不配

Look Into the Mirror

2008-12-25T12:35:00.002+08:00

Listen up yer laddies and lasses
for tis be the season's greeting
when the snow's a fallin' in the northern hemisphere
and the sun's a cookin' here at the equator

Look into the mirror 'ere
Yer fat men in red suits and fake beards
for they think themselves in winter
when their skin's a cookin' beneath that sheet

Look into the mirror 'ere
Yer peeps who're a hangin' yer socks
for the only thing that you'd find in them
is the other sock you fools

Look into the mirror 'ere
Ever wonder why kids run from you?
Ever wonder what do the mothers whisper into their ears?
Ever notice you'd become some kind of baddie for the laddies?

Look into the mirror 'ere
Have you noticed how when yer stroll into a bank
the guard holds his elephant gun ever tighter?
the lasses behind the counter keeps their finger on the button?

Look into the mirror Santa
And stop being a fat fool.

邻家的女孩

2008-12-21T19:03:00.001+08:00

Suddenly found this little file residing somewhere in my hard disk. Kinda brings back some funny memories.

虽然人类记忆力还算不弱，但有些事情总是回忆不起。尽管用尽心思去回乡，最多也只能得到一些隐约的影子。欲把它们抓着瞧清楚却又碰不到它们。

恰好当天是假日。目前单身尔孔显得我冷不防地有了向探望老家的感觉，于是便驱车到了那老住宅区。整个住宅区犹如停滞在时光中，意思变化都没有。

或许我太早下了定论，因为老街上的排屋，虽然外表不变，却缺少了房子应有的人气。把车停泊在老家前，正想进门，忽然令家院中的一件物品分散了我的注意力。仔细一看，是一支发夹，邻家女孩的发夹。不对，是从前邻家女孩的发夹。

忆起童年，就有如看一部九流电影，既不清楚，剪接的地方又多。只知道十多年前邻家有个活泼可爱的女孩。幼小的我当时是她主要的玩伴。我两当时无所不玩，从中午到傍晚还是难分难舍，除非是母亲拿着鸡毛帚走出家门才迅速归家。

随着年龄增长，又学会了男女之间在华人社会中的禁忌，邻家女孩只成为一个打招呼的对象。早上五时半起床上学，上学短短五分钟的路程也没什么话可聊，更何况早晨时刻人类的或匣子都是较难打开的。回到家后又各忙各的，一年之中的对话可能少过一年中的日子。

不一日，晚上九时多忽听邻家传出吵架声，听起来可是吵得非常激烈。结果第二天早晨上学时，路上只有我孤独的一人。虽然不是很诧异，但忽然少了一个人陪伴，感觉像一天只计中少了什么似的。心中也有种无法解释的担忧。

后来得知邻家女孩为了家事而与家人闹翻，离家出走了。而我却感到一种莫名奇妙的失落感。或许这是所谓的日久生情吧。但是，生活总是要往前走，于是我逐渐适应了新生活。

想到这里，邻家女孩的样貌开始浮现了。她脸可有三分俏丽，七分可爱，而最特别的是她的发夹总是家的歪一边。

我走到老家的信箱，伸手一探，摸出了许多信封。其中有几封是公函，但却又十多封是寄给我的私函。打开信封，陈旧的信纸上有许多优美的文字。这些新都是邻家女孩写给我的，但是信寄来时，我在已搬家。脑中可想像她得不到回信时失望的样子。

邻家院中的发夹，证实她曾经返过旧家，而应该是无意中跌了下来，也无意中被我发现。我爬过篱笆，拾起发夹。发夹颜色已然脱落。脱落的颜色就像我脱落的回忆，如今想起，心中可真是又喜又悲。喜是因为成功忆起回忆，被是因为不曾珍惜过邻家女孩的存在。

我欲把发夹带走，但又觉得不对，所以把发夹放回地上，跨过铁门，上车就离去。

反正生活是要往前走的，在这样追寻往事也不是好办法。

车子在老道上缓缓而行，我一手拿着一封旧信，记起送信人地址。到底要去看看这位发夹歪一边的小姑娘如今如何了呢，还是把邻家女孩当作一个回忆。

夕阳就在前边，把车子的长长的影子抛在后头。我应该继续迈向夕阳？还是追寻身后的影子？

我本身已经无法决定。

Sanity's Void

2008-12-18T23:30:00.003+08:00

These smeared images
Dancing ever so slowly
Before my eyes
Before your eyes
Before their eyes
Vivid they were
Haunting they are
Like hallucinations
of a schizophrenic
Cower in corners
Rattling prayer verses
Saving themselves from nothing
Eating away their fingernails
Nibbling on the flesh
Rupturing the minute vessels and
Licking away the rivulets of blood
The taste,
ever so refreshing
shall bring clarity to the mind
shall unlock the chains of rationality
and then the story shall be told
Just like the story
of everyone alive
of those who call themselves
Sane.

2008-12-09T15:36:00.000+08:00

There comes a day when we will have to severe our humanity

The Dying Days of An Era

2008-11-29T21:17:00.002+08:00

It began like any other night
When the sun settles down beyond the horizon
And the much dreaded arrival of twilight shroud
In anticipation, the tree branches whispered
as if sharing a secret only they knew
Dry winds swirled around dark skeletons
Guardians of a long forgotten kingdom
The crackling sounds of bone against sand
It was just another day ending

It began just like any other day
When the sun rises once more behind red clouds
And the much feared presence of dawn's fog
In silence, the black earth mumbled
as if in delirium in a trauma
Cold ice fell on tortured souls
Remnants of an empire long perished
The wails of torment resonated through the air
It was just another night's ending.

And so will this cycle continue
as long as December comes
the final days of a dying era.

残酷

2008-11-26T01:16:00.000+08:00

我真的残酷吗？
或许是环境改变了当初的我
或许是我自己想要逃避问题
或许是我无法去相信别人
或许是我能生存到今天的原因
或许是你误会了我

我不需要找借口来解释
我不需要浪费时间和口水
去慢慢证明和说服你
去让你改观

反正光明和黑暗永合不来
残酷，
那又如何？
只要我珍惜的人
永远看不见残酷的我

2008-11-13T13:55:00.000+08:00

Let us embrace MADNESS

2008-11-10T03:41:00.003+08:00

Sober up.

Why would you care about someone who doesn't even acknowledge your presence?
You've become weak.
Where's the drive that fuels your life?
You've become gullible.
Where's the cold, steely attitude that bored fear into the minds of others?
You've become far too friendly.
You've become too human.

Fool.
Have you forgotten your honor?
Have you no shame?
Have you eaten your own words?

NEVER.
The dark will never stand by the light.

Sands of Time

2008-11-08T02:41:00.002+08:00

These floating fragments of memories have returned to me, and my mind is made whole once again.

I've seen the foolish life i'd led so long ago and the foolish pacts and commitment I'd made.

I've seen the half moon, hanging in the night sky, ever so threatening and mocking.

I've seen death itself, so close to my shadows.

Most importantly, I've seen you once again. And I am once again reminded of the pain.

And i know that this will be the last time I will ever see you.

As I continue on, may the sands of time mask you from my sight.

Bloodthirsty

2008-11-07T01:56:00.002+08:00

Come now
for the dawn draws near
Hear me now
for destiny calls forth
Feel now
for the wind has changed
Awake now
for the scent of blood approaches

Quench this thirst
From goblets of gold
filled with pure agony
and their brims
crusted with ages of dried red

Tear their flesh from their bones
Tear the eyes from their sockets
Tear their lungs from their chest
Tear their throats from their neck
Tear their minds
and feast on their weak will

How sweet the taste
How sickening they look
For those without honor and pride
I desecrate myself to their annihilation

Hope

2008-10-25T14:46:00.004+08:00

Here he lies
Staring up into the blinding light
Like a criminal brought before justice
His blood spilled
On this land that had once been green

This life wavers
as the world turns
as the wind wails
as the rain falls
as the ground rumbles
as the flame dies

Here she lies
Staring into the yawning darkness
Like a prisoner in a dungeon
Her blood spilled
Tainting the pearly sheets a pretty red

This life wavers
as the world turns
as the wind whispers
as the rain weeps
as the ground mutters
as the flame chokes

There they lie
their time slipping away

And they hope
hope is for the blind.

And they hope
for they are blind.

2008-10-22T18:25:00.000+08:00

They will know the consequences of opposing me.

They will know chaos.

They will know fear.

They will no longer be blind.

2008-10-16T15:19:00.002+08:00

黑暗中
一个人
无涯苦
笑寂寥
天上雁
海里珊
看红尘
空无忌
这世界
终迂腐
或虚伪
或谎言
或无情
仰天望
天降雨
我消失
黑影间
守护着

2008-10-15T00:07:00.001+08:00

人生有几回做老大呢？

2008-10-08T00:55:00.001+08:00

Somehow I feel it. I feel the truth in everything now.

I don't belong here. This world, this empire, this doman of Life and Light.

Every thought of mine is a radical to others.
Every word of mine is a provocation for others.
Every action of mine is a sign of hostility.

Only the darkness knows me well.
For i don't belong in this realm.

Time to return.

Immortal

2008-10-02T00:29:00.002+08:00

Silence,
feel the whisper of the wind
whirling around the ankles of our foes
tighten our grip upon them
and fall they shall

Darkness,
blind are those who embrace it not
numb are their lips as fear fills their hearts
tremble they shall before their adversaries
and fall they shall

Beneath these sands we will wait
and even for eternity we shall still wait
if ever they should discover our patience
it is because of death

Death has left us patient
and patience will brew our vengeance
and vengeance will give us a purpose
and purpose will give us existence
and exist we shall

Forever.
I will never die.

I am the God of my life.

Embrace

2008-10-01T03:49:00.002+08:00

This darkness,
was once a vortex of chaos.
This chaos,
was once a memory,
This memory,
was once a part we shared.

Was I ever myself?
Were you ever a part of me?
Questions, which no answers could satisfy
Did I really held you in my heart?
perhaps some unknown time in the past
the same way you held me?

Like splinters of a broken wooden craft
piercing through my skull
Like broken pieces of mirrors
each reflecting an alien part of my own reflection
Like sorrowful wails of banshees
voices of unknown parties reach out to me

Enough now.
Let me rest.
Let me let you rest.
Let me continue my path towards the ending I chose.
Let me revel in this empire I built
Let me embrace nothing else.

2008-09-27T00:56:00.002+08:00

Loyalty and honor makes you nothing but a gullible piece of flesh.

Edict of Blood

2008-09-25T01:28:00.002+08:00

And thus, like the setting of the sun the inevitable fall of the Nightmare-Bearer happened as expected.

Reveling in nightmares of the past, haunted by ghosts from the graves, tormented by voices without bodies, his soul was corrupted beyond salvation.

Sinned for straying too far from his supposedly one and only reason of existence, it is decided that his title be removed and replaced.

Sinned for allowing emotions to get in his way, for exposing his soft side, for letting his heart out to another; He lost his objective; His irresponsibility was intolerable.

And thus, heed the call of vengeance once again, and embrace darkness once more. Sweep out all unwanted humanly emotions and find focus. There will be no soul left in my world. It will be only me, and me only. I will never be invaded again, in this world, I AM GOD.

The last piece of the puzzle is about to be found, and with that my quest for vengeance shall be completed. Nothing will stop me from destroying you.

YOU. I detest even mentioning your name, bitch.

Sit tight and wait for the hammer to fall.

From this moment, I renounce the title of Nightmare-Bearer, and Bloodscythe shall be born.

Achieve vengeance.
Feel nothing.
Feel no remorse.
Feel no sentiments.

And a new crimson nightmare of blood shall unveil.

2008-09-22T23:03:00.000+08:00

If only we could delete our attachments to another human.

2008-09-20T12:14:00.003+08:00

Why are you still in my heart?

Move on, Ardelus. Seek your vengeance and stop thinking about it anymore.

2008-09-19T14:19:00.004+08:00

I've never felt this way before, this is more than just 'liking' someone.

This alone is enough, worthy of my sacrifice. I will not bring myself to stand in your path to happiness.

Yes, my sins have not yet been fully paid, and it will never be forgiven. I will return to the darkness, and from there I will continue to search the skies.

And the night sky is clear once more.

My freedom to corrupt regained.

That is what I want to believe, what I want to cheat myself with. I have to let you go even when my soul is screaming vulgarities at my very own actions.

Please, be happy. For yourself, and for me.

Everything's Eventual

2008-09-19T02:33:00.003+08:00

Everything's eventual
Like the setting of the sun every evening
Like the rising of the moon every night
Like the flow of the river every second
Like the swirl of clouds every minute
Like the passing of the wind every hour
Like the tremble of the earth every moment
Like the birth of a new life every 9 months
Like the onset of death every 75 years
There will be an ending to every beginning
And a beginning for every ending
There will be only one outcome eventually
And a new wave of pain after that
Eventually
The pain shall be nullified
Not by time, nor by fate
but by the numbing of my senses
Everything's eventual
Someday we might look back on this matter
And we shall laugh, and laugh
And laugh
At the stupidity and irrationality
But for now
I chose not to see the future
For I can only see you